Baltic Amber
An Outer Reminder of an Internal Conflict
Last summer on my cruise to the Baltic Sea, I got involved in my brother's search for the perfect guilt offering for his wife who didn't come with us; amber jewelry. I fell in love with the delicately light stone that feels like cheap plastic and looks like something only royalty would be allowed to wear.
The forces that compress amber have of late reminded me of the pressure I feel from my own conflicting internal needs that are at odds with external forces. You know the ones; bills, marketing, play vs. work, time for self, family, friends, exercise, eat well, errands, etc, etc, ad nauseam. These external forces compound the affects of my internal needs that are rarely in agreement with each other. Amber, the dripping, sticky resin that hardens in the cool northern seas and earth is not unlike the beliefs I have that have taken shape (hardened) since I was very, very young.
I've especially been pondering the needs of two particularly loud and opposing sides, my quiet, homebody introvert and the outgoing, ropes course style adventurer. Introvert is very happy being home quietly working on this article and staying in soft, jammie style clothes all day. She would be happy if I hadn't even bothered with the gym and is thrilled that we aren't budging an inch outside the front door for the rest of the day. The other side of me wants to be out in the world exploring European cities, museums, finding new dance venues, hiking, biking and always making new friends. Someone lovingly named this part of me the "Novelty Seeker." She has been the dominator these past few years, feeling the need to make up for lost adventure time. She wants to dance, dance, dance - figuratively and literally.
Introvert, however, objects to how busy I keep myself going from morning to late in the evening. She gets very cranky when she's out doing one more thing. The only time she colludes with Novelty Seeker is when they both don't like an activity. Introvert sets up a loud siren inside my chest, gets cranky, and in the privacy of my car or home will throw quite an impressive hissy fit. On the other side of the great internal divide, Novelty Seeker is researching the next thing to do, filling up the calendar and dreaming of a big adventure. I had a colleague who use to say, "There's time to rest after you die." Novelty Seeker loves this. Introvert rolls her eyeballs.
How DO I resolve this? The same way I do everything. One of my dear friends says I'm like a dog with a bone in my teeth. I don't let go until I've worked the issue to the very marrow, swallowed it, and left the remains to decompose in the earth. First, I ask the question and let the question itself work inside me. I stay curious about how indeed this will resolve. Then I talk to anyone who will listen about my cogitations. Then one day, I notice that the thing that was an issue doesn't bother me anymore. Introvert can't wait for that day. In between drafts of this piece, Novelty Seeker has been searching the web for volunteer opportunities in Nepal. How will they work that out?
I'm curious what two sides of you are in conflict today? What is the question you will ask yourself to begin the resolution process for you? Novelty Seeker and Introvert are both curious.
|
