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Swing Dance Lesson in Shame
In order to write this article I find that I need to release the contraction I am holding in my gut, a place in the body where shame is easy to access. I am thinking about how intimidated I was the other night at a West Coast swing dance class. It was a new venue for me with some awesome dancers. No, not just really good dancer's but with some of the North Bay's best. As with all social dance classes, we had a rotating circle of followers moving around the room practicing with a different leader every few minutes.
It only took a few minutes for me to feel like an elephant in a pink tutu in the hands of my various leader's elegant and very subtle moves. Granted, there were a few leaders who seemed as though they might have been experiencing their own version of that - elephant in tight leotards? Most clearly knew what they were doing. With such practiced steps, their movements are so automatic that they can really tune into their partner. I mean really listen to the nuances of the hand pressure, leaning, angles, as well as, the steps. That sounds like such a good thing doesn't it? It would if I was equally automated with the steps. I have so little space left in my awareness to notice anything beyond, "Oy, am I doing this right?" For me, if it isn't in my body's memory, I am often unable to follow. After a few moments, the leader can tell. Oh, and this is after dancing West Coast swing in a casual community for four years! After rotating with a dozen partners, I found myself facing a man who the teacher had used for a demo -clearly a great lead who smiled in a big way. He took my hand as we got into position and then almost immediately frowned. In practicing not to take every- thing personally, I wondered, "Is he just concentrating?" After a few attempts to get into position before we even started the move, he shook my hand rapidly in a sideways motion as though to say, loosen up. In what sounded like irritation to me he said,"You're going to get really fatigued holding your arm so rigidly." I looked down at my bent elbow, a clue to me I'm not entirely rigid. Theoretically, I knew what he meant but I kept trying to relax my arm and he kept frowning. OK - I'm taking it personally now. Immediately my gut (same spot as when I started this writing) got a knot and I was almost bowled over by an upwelling of feelings. I wanted to bolt, to cry, or at the least say something rude to this guy. My shame had just reared it's head again and was talking in a familiar internal voice, "YOU should be more aware! You teach body awareness for heavens sakes. Of all people YOU should be able to tune in, read their lead, hold the body right. What are you doing here anyway? Who says you can dance?!" Just like that. One moment I'm intimidated but staying in happy learner mode and the next I could buckle at the knees in shame. It took a lot of self talk, some fake smiling and a dozen more partners before I brought myself back into some semblance of inner balance. Brene Brown, a leading researcher on shame and vulnerability, gave a marvelous Ted talk that I highly recommend. In the talk, Brown shares how shame drives two big inner messages: not good enough and if you can talk yourself out of that then it is the voice that says, Who do you think you are? Brown also differentiates how women and men are activated by shame. Women experience shame as "a web of unattainable, competing and conflicting expectations." In my case, I should be able to dance with these guys even though I have never taken advanced lessons. For men there is one main activator,"Do not be perceived as weak."
Shame is so ubiquitous that many of us don't recognize the behaviors in our life that are driven from our shame. Everything from overeating to overachieving, poor sleep, depression, anxiety, perennial unhappiness, body aches and digestion problems. InBodied Life sessions help you root out and release the underlying causes of such activators - shame as a common one. And yes it can rear it's head from time to time but you can stay aware and manage it before it goes underground again causing more symptoms besides a few minutes of discomfort. To listen to Brene Brown's talk: | 
